Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Bossy, Bitchy, Slutty and Emotional: Problems with gender and word association

When friends inquired over a year ago as to why I shut down my blog, I didn’t have a real answer. My blog was about the humorous lessons and tales from my perils of dating and partying. As time went on and I found myself in a relationship and spending more time studying than socializing, I realized my stories weren’t all that funny or amusing anymore. As I matured, my focus shifted from the perils of the single life, to the perils of the female life. I became increasingly aware of the discrimination, frustration and objectification of women. Frequent whisperings of sexual assault and constant talk of “the thigh gap” got me thinking, things are pretty F-ed up. Here we are, as oh-so-progressive Americans of the 21st-century, and people are still arguing over gay marriage, women still make less money, girls are still being told they’re to blame for rape and that they are too fat. I heard girls bashing other girls’ bodies. I heard guys calling girls sluts. I was called bitchy and bossy for speaking my mind just like the guys in my class, whom no one passed judgment on. A professor told me that as a woman in the South, I could never be partner at a law firm. A guy in my class told me that if a girl went home with a guy and changed her mind about having sex, that it was her fault if he raped her. A guy in a different class accused numerous females students of receiving an A solely because our professor found us attractive, not because we earned it. I heard someone tell my bisexual friend to “make up her mind.” I heard of girls being slut-shamed, body-bashed, and critiqued, by men and by each other. Over the past year, I’ve grown frustrated. No, I’ve grown intolerant of and outraged by ignorance. I grew angrier and angrier, feeling powerless and unable to make a difference. I had so many things to say and change and wasn’t sure how. So, I decided to go back to my roots as a writer and take to the internet. I will be addressing, as humorously as ever, the frustrations of being a young woman in America.
I have recently given much attention to the words and phrases associated with women. I had started noticing how I was bossy but the guy in my class was just assertive. A guy was just a ladies man but girls were slutty. We sort of mean the same thing, but we use different words, which tend to have different feelings and positive or negative associations attached to them. The words we chose were based on gender. I started to think about what words were associated with my gender and I began to realize they were inaccurate, offensive and a poor representation of who I am or what my goals or actually roles are or will be. I asked a male peer of mine to respond “man” or “woman” to certain words, to indicate if he associated that word with men or women. His voice took on a sad tone and his face a look of shame as he answered honestly and uncomfortably. His responses came naturally, these associations deeply rooted and innate. If you had asked me a year ago, my responses would have probably been the same. I asked by boyfriend and a female friend to do the same. All of their responses were similar. So, the verdict? 
Powerful
Pure
Bossy
In-Charge
Scholar
Emotional
Influential
Dramatic
Nurse
Business
Promiscuous
Sexy
Corporate
Vulnerable
Aggressive
Thin
Muscular
Lawyer
Brave
Pitiful
Competitive
Nervous
Aggressive
Courageous
Risky
Tough
Self-Conscious
Tender
Leader
Quiet
Outspoken
Suit
Clean
Perky
Independent
Ditzy
Wise
Adorable
Timid
Firm
Wealthy
Hormonal
Provider
Complicated
Fertile
Noble

These are just some of the words that I asked for responses too. The thing is, I had to explain to everyone whom I asked to participate that they can't respond based on what they think the truth is, but instead what the words are typically associated with. The responses were all pretty consistent. Ones that were disagreed upon were left out here. Here's the issue. These responses are based on things that are instilled in us from a young age. Yet, I don't associate myself with most of the words typically chosen to describe women and instead, identify with a lot of the words that are associated with masculinity. These words take on a gender of their own and they simply should not. Not only should we avoid such ridiculous associations with women, we should avoid associating certain words or characteristics with either gender. When one defies the characteristics typically associated with his or her gender, scolding, criticism or oppression is usually the result. Many girls who defy these pink words are told to be more ladylike. Many boys who defy these blue words are told to be tougher and less of a sissy. It places people into categories, changes goals we set for ourselves at a young age, and puts an unnecessary pressure on people to conform to cookie cutter gender constructions. While it seems natural to us and many don't believe it is really a problem, when you see how offensive, dangerous and wrong it is on paper, I think it's easier to see there is a serious issue here. Women are associated with words about silence, dependence, virginity, attractiveness and emotional instability. Men are associated with domination, sophistication, superiority and stoicism. These associations and expectations tell women they should be submissive and subordinates to men. They tell men and boys that they should be powerful and stronger than women in every role, as if being associated with femininity is gross. Really, it's insulting. Not everyone fulfills these and these associations shape our expectations of each gender. So what can we do about it? I guess start by defying these. Challenge them and argue against them. I also think this issue, like many gender issues, starts in the home with young children. I hate that at 21, in America, in the 21st century, my gender is still associated with such staunch and restrictive terms. The problem is clear here and the words we use, characteristics we value, and lessons we teach are what cause it and can fix it. Language is a huge part of culture and does, in fact, change along with culture. If we eliminate gender expectations and abandon widely accepted gender roles, this culture of offensive and strict expectations will change and once that changes, our language and what we associate words with will certainly change with it. If this list bothers you (which it should) then start making those changes. Let's be careful what we teach kids, base value on and start abandoning preassigned notions, roles and ideals.